


After The Storm

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ASEXUAL. NOT AROMANTIC, Angst, Anxiety, Connor Murphy is mentally ill, Connor is an Atheist, Couch Cuddles, Evan is Annoyed By Connor's Family, Evan is Super Protective, Evan is a Green Witch, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Everybody Lives, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Grieving, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Better Project, Jared Kleinman Being an Asshole, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, Jared Kleinman Not Being an Asshole, Jared Kleinman is Asexual and Biromantic, Let me repeat bois, M/M, Mentions of Past Rape/No-Con, Morning Cuddles, Original Asexual Character, Platonic Cuddling, Slow Burn, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Soft Evan Hansen, Somebody dies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, There's a difference bb, There's basically a reborn fairy in this lol, This is tree bros yall lol, Touch-Starved, Trust me it wont hurt, getting better, witchy things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan's just begone sophomore year, and not so surprisingly, he eats lunch in the library. Connor Murphy seems to be there too, reading a book with his legs crossed.It's easier to live out the storm if somebody's fending it with you.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman/ Original Female Character
Comments: 41
Kudos: 115





	1. Do you Ever Wonder What he Might be Going Through On his Own?

Evan hansen was not having a good day.

It started with his Mother not being there in the morning. He expected it, of course. His Mom was always working. But this was the first week of school, or at least, of sophomore year- she could have tried to be able to wave him off to school. And he knows that's selfish, but in the comfort of his brain, it seems like nobody can hear him. Then Evan realizes he's being selfish, witch somehow goes into a very big loop about how much of a horrible person he is. So now he's sad, and disappointed, and guilty all at the same time. He walks to school, like he always does, because apparently Jared couldn't lend him a ride today.

Like usual. Like it was all summer. 

But that was fine, because at least Jared talked to him sometimes. Even though most of the time, the conversations were filled with jabs at his self esteem, like little knives in his side. 

Evan could deal with it. He could do it all the way up to senior year, as long as he had someone to talk to. 

When he's half down the school hallway, some random dude bumps into him. From the nice, bright red color of the jacket, he guesses it's one of his bullies. Maybe Eric, Or Dave, or literally any other basic ass name that fits with the description of 6'1, white, cis, male, and straight. Jared comes over to him like usual, and he's already spitting out insults like it's part of his vocabulary, like it's normal for friends to act like this. Oh no, wait,

'Family Friends.'

They aren't even normal fucking friends anymore. And Jared is poking him in his side, asking 'Hey, what's up with you?' And Evan needs to speak before Jared leaves him alone altogether.

"I-I-I-I, I'm fine. " Evan whispers, and Jared is talking again about 'hot chicks' and other things that are somehow bigoted, and Evan is losing his mind just listening to him talk. "Well, see you later. " Jared says, and Evan nods as the bell rings, and he walks to class.

\------------

Evan was having a Horrible Fucking Day. So bad he feels like he's about to throw up. 

He has to practice an oral representation in 3 days, and he knows that's enough time to write a whole two essays, but he has to read it out, and now he has to go home in a few hours, witch is horrible because then he'll need to practice reading it out loud, with all his stutters and mis pronounced words. And his breathing is already getting hard, and the person behind him in the lunch line is super weirded out, and she says something, he's not sure what, so he just grabs his food, pays, and bolts out the lunchroom that fastest he's ever gone. 

He makes his way to the library to eat, because the lunchroom is too loud today and too big and too crowded and it felt like he was choking in there. So he has his lunch tray, and he just walks in and looks around for the corner of the room that's too filled up with different columns of books for anyone to see him, and he walks fast towards the spot when he sees a very uninvited figure right in his spot. 

Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy, the brother of Zoe Murphy. The girl he used to have a crush on.

And Connor looks up at him, his eyebrows furrowing extremely quickly as soon as they lay eyes on him.

"Fuck are you looking at?"

And oh no, Connor thinks that Evan is judging him. So Evan shakes his head quickly and even though his brain is shortcutting, he clears his throat. 

"N-no, I just. I just sit here, usually. I m-mean. I' m not... I'm not judging you. Sorry. For staring. I d-didn't. Mean to. " Evans voice comes out croaked, and Connor just stares at him like he's inspecting him, like he needs to, and they stay like that for what feels like hours until Connor's eyes flick towards the spot a few feet away from him, and then flick towards his comic book. 

And Evan sits down.

And Connor, he looks at him, just a tiny bit, but then he just looks back down to his comic and they both don't say anything the whole time. It's oddly comforting, actually- the silence. And normally Evan's brain would be naming off all the things that could be going wrong, that are, but it isn't. It's peaceful. And Connor looks up as the bell rings. 

"S' that your cue, Hansen?"  
Connor mentions, flipping to another page. Evan nods, getting up. He doesn't question why Connor isn't getting up too.

"Um.. Yeah. Bye. Uhm.. S-see you later?"

And his brain is already starting to break the peace, screaming why Evan would ever ask such a thing. 

Nobody would ever want to spend time with him. Especially lunch.

But then Connor flips to another page, and goes

"See you."

And well,

Evan's sure he's never felt warm like this his entire life.


	2. The Demons That he's Facing Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor have a conversation for the first time. 
> 
> Jared can't seem to keep anyone around.

It was a routine now.

Connor would go to that one corner in the library, and Evan would walk in and scan the room, and everytime he didn't spot Connor right away, his face would mold into a frown.

And then he'd see Connor, and his face just.. Lit right back up as he walked towards him.They had been doing this for 4 or 5 days now- just sitting together and reading comics while eating. 

Connor had never had a true routine before. Where something was the norm that wasn't a bad type of norm.

Connor liked this, actually.

And he was flicking through comic books, and his heart was beating a steady paste, and he felt calm. He hadn't felt calm without being on something in a long time. 

"How was your day today?"  
Evan asked, his voice barely above a whisper. It took Connor a moment to realize that Evan was actually trying to start a conversation- and he didn't want to be in the conversation, and he also didn't want to talk about it.

His day was worse than most. Last night, his Father was talking about him like he wasn't there. Mentioning and questioning things to everyone else just to rile it up, it seemed.

"What were you doing all night, Connor?"

He was driving around, was what he was doing. And maybe he had a blunt or two- but that was less that he normally does.

Way fucking less.

"How are your grades, Connor?"

Their not horrible. Their all around C's, and he has one D in Math. He knows he has to go higher for him to get into a college, but frankly, he doesn't really care enough. 

" Why are you still skipping school, Connor?"

Because he still gets bullied every single time he walks into the school, witch often gets him into fights. Sometimes he's on the edge of his stick and doesn't want to fight anyone or deal with talking and walking and just living in general. He's pretty sure he can't handle a whole 7 classes of that sometimes.

"Why aren't you eating, Connor?"

Because the food is terrible. His Mom is on a diet and she apparently doesn't want anyone else to eat normally. Not that he really eats that much anyway.

And Connor just hears them go on and on and on until everyone realizes he's not answering and then a whole different set of questions come in, and Zoe's yelling and his Dad, apparently, is also yelling, and his Mom is crying like this doesn't happen every single night. And Zoe will say something, most likely an insult, a 'Why the fuck can't you just be normal, Connor?!' And the next thing he knows he's banging on her door, screaming and yelling and curse words and phrases that are now just instinct spilling out of his mouth. 

And he'll go on for another 5 minutes until his throat can't handle it anymore. He'll walk away and it'll be the same thing the next day. And the next. And the next.

So yeah, he actually doesn't fee like talking about it, especially to this kid who he's sat with for lunch for like, 4 days, so he just says:

"Shit. Yours?"

"I-It was um.. Okay." And Connor squints because Evan looks like he's about to say something else, but then he closes his mouth. Then opens it again.

"Actually... It was crap." Evan jokes, a breathy, nervous laugh coming out of his mouth right after. Connor nods, flipping to another page in his book.

"Talk about it?" Connor asks, and it's much more meek than usual, but Evan doesn't seem to notice.

Evan nods. And he does. He talks about the oral project he had that's due tommorow, the face that he sucks at essays- how sometimes he cries when he doesn't get it right. He talks about the teacher he hates that seems to specifically pick on him, and how sometimes he just fakes an anxiety attack to get out of class (witch Connor states is 'Pretty fucking impressive.' ) and Evan goes on and on and on and Connor has put his book down because...

Wow. Evan hasn't stuttered one this entire time.

"Sorry. Am I r-rambling? Sorry."

And Connor shakes his head really quickly, because listening to Evan talk about things while going from one subject to a completely different one is actually not boring whatsoever. 

It's entertaining, actually. Because Evan makes these crazy hand movements and his eyes widen as he's talking about something that he's angry about. Sometimes his head tilts to the side when he can' t remember a name. 

The bell rings, though, and Evan and Connor both get up, because now apparently this is a thing. Walking together to Connor' s next class that's the closest, and Evan walking the rest of the way by himself. They started taking turns, actually. One day Evan will get to go to class first and one day Connor will go. Protocol.

They have a protocol.

Connor likes that, too.

\------------

Jared is confused.

First, he hadn't talked to Evan, or more like Evan hadn't talked to Jared in at least 5 days. 2nd, Evan has been going to the library to eat lunch for a while. Evan only does that when things get bad. But Evan hasn't looked bad, and frankly, he's looked brighter. He stutters less, just a tiny bit, when Evan actually decides to spare Jared a sentence. And everytime everyone goes to lunch, Evan looks happy. Excited, almost, and as he walks through the halls, his eyes are expecting- hopeful.

Like he's got something to look forward to.

So Jared decides to follow him. A few minutes before the bell rings, he walks out of the lunchroom and to the library. The bell rings when he's a few steps away from the library door, and two very unexpected faces come out.

Evan. And Connor Murphy. Murphy. Fucking Connor Murphy.

And the thing is he looks so calm, Evan, like he's got nothing to worry about. Way more calm than he's been with Jared, lately. And Connor, the school shooter, is talking like he's sane, like he's normal and this just isn't fair. It isn't. Evan is his friend, not this guy's friend, he likes him, not Connor. Not Connor.So Jared crosses his arms and takes a deep breath. 

"Hey, losers." He jokes, leaning against the wall and smiling.

Evan looks shocked. He crosses his arms and his eyes widen as he stops in his tracks. Connor looks defensive. 

"Oh, fuck off, Kleinman." And Connor is grabbing Evan by his hand, and Evan doesn't even flinch, doesn't even fucking flinch. He looks calmer even. And that's not fair. Evan is his good thing, because he couldn't leave him, because what other choice did Evan even have? But now he does have one. He has a choice other than Jared.

He's leaving.

"So school shooter is your new friend now, Evan? Really? If you were looking for some new ones, you could of found someone else. Like, literally any other choice. Honestly. You stooped down this low? Really? I thought even you could do better than this."

"Jared, please-"

"Remember who your real friends are-"

"You.w-were never my friend. N-Never. Y-You were embarrassed of me. You... You d-didn't e-even like me. Y-You're just sad b-because you won't be getting y-your stupid... C-Car insurance." 

And fuck. Jared forgot all about that. But that still doesn't make this right, Evan could have said something, he could have said anything. And Jared can't really make a comeback, so he just. Rolls his eyes and throws the middle finger up behind him as he walks away.

"When he gets sick of you, don't come crawling back to me! "

Fuck. 

He's so dumb.

\----------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the song titles are gonna be from After the Storm by Kali Uchis.:) Also thank you for the Kudos on the last chapter! I'm sorry for hurting Jared like this- I swear everyone gets a happy ending. Things are coming in the next chapter tho. Since I'm a comment whore, please drop some. But my character ;) will be ;)) making an ;) appearance ;) next ;) chapter ;)


	3. I Hate That Sometimes You Can't Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor take a trip to Evan's house.
> 
> Jared meets someone, and plans on keeping them around.
> 
> OR: Wet shirts, chipped paint, and freckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayoooo I'm here with a new chapter! Sorry that I'm late on my update today, just a lot of stuff happens in this chapter, phew. Uhh so warnings for today are:  
> Panic Attacks. Though I wouldn't really call it one, it's more of a breakdown.
> 
> Uhh.. Enjoy? Also I'm bad at proof-reading so. Lol. Sorry. As you know, I'm a comment whore, so tell me what you think.

Connor was acting weird.

And Evan knows that's a strange way to say it- because 'Connor is always acting weird', but really, he isn't. Connor acts guarded- afraid, almost. Like he doesn't want to get hurt. Like he's been hurt too many times to risk it again. But in the past few days, Connor's been just.. Dead silent. And of course Evan isn't gonna just start talking, because sometimes Connor talks too. He never talks about home- but he talks. Like his favourite TV show or his least favourite teacher. The last time Evan mentioned Connor's home life, he just kinda went silent the rest of the time. 

But this is worse than that. Because Connor looks genuinely disturbed. He keeps on picking at his nails, his eyes keep on focusing on random things while Evan tries to talk. And halfway through Evan asking what's wrong, Connor cuts him off.

"What do you... What's wrong with you?" Connor asks, and it comes out as a yell, and they are both oh so lucky that the librarians aren't here at the moment because they would get kicked out. Evan's brain is already questioning what Connor even means by that. 

"What d-do you m-mean?" Evan asks, and it comes out stronger than he expected. He's already filling in the blanks. Maybe Connor is already sick of him? That would explain it.

"I mean why are you still fucking here? Why are you.. What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you see I'm ruining everything for you? Why don't you... You need to leave me alone." Connor sounds so hoarse, so broken, and his arms are wrapped tightly around himself.

"W-Why do you want me to, Connor? Then I'll leave you alone." And Evan's trying really hard to not break down at the possibility that he might lose Connor, but then he realizes that's not what this is. Connor looks so angry, and he looks like he's about to yell insults, push him away, but Evan doesn't flinch.

He'll never flinch.

Connor isn't dangerous. He isn't. Evan refuses to believe he's dangerous.

And tears are rolling down his swollen cheeks, and Evan is already opening his arms as Connor sniffles and screams and cries into his shirt. 

"But nobody ever- Nobody- Everybody always-" 

Evan can fill in the blanks.  
'Everybody always leaves. Nobody ever stays.'

Connor is hysterical, crying and whining like he hasn't had a fucking hug in months. In years.

Evan wraps his arms around him, and Connor is holding on so tightly to his shirt that it hurts.

"Well, I-I'm not everybody, Kay? I don't think you're dangerous. I'm not leaving. I'm staying, okay?"

And that draws out an even bigger muffled cry, and he lightly rolls circles into Connor's back.

He's already come to the conclusion that he does not like whoever the fuck Connor's family is, and he especially does not like Zoe.

He also comes to the conclusion that he can't just let Connor go through the whole day when he is literally falling apart.

He looks to the doors that lead outside, and decides that he's gonna just... 'I'm very anxious today' himself out of school and get Connor to his house.

\---------------

Jared isn't doing well.  
He hasn't really talked at his lunch table anymore. But nobody seems to notice, and he isn't sure if he should be glad about or not. He feels so bad, because he knows that he's wrong. He was a dick, he was so blatantly mean, but he can't say that because what's the point? He's already been replaced by Connor- Connor Murphy, at that. Even Connor Murphy is a better friend than him. He picks up his bag, and when he doesn't see Conor or Evan for the rest of the day, he doesn't even question it. 

He guesses it's none of his business anymore. 

But Jared can apologize, right? Like a simple text or something. Admit that he was wrong. Admit that he was mean and didn't acknowledge Evan's feelings.  
Yeah. He can do that. But he can do that tomorrow. Later. Right now he has to worry about convincing his lab partner to do all the work for him. Like. Pay them or something. 

As he sits down at the last table to the left of the classroom. The teacher is pairing everyone up. The last to get called is some girl. "Elaine Fae Quilt." He knows she's paired with him, but his head is down, so he doesn't really know who she is. He's never heard of her before. 

"Hi. I'm your lab partner, Elaine, But everyone calls me Fae. Where should we get started?"

He picks his head up and looks at her and wait, what the fuck?

What the actual, literal shit?

Oh my god. Oh my god she's so pretty, bloody hell, ohmygod.  
Who would pair him with such a. A fairy. She's basically  
a fairy. 

Jared is such a simp. Such a simp, because jesus.

Is this what gay panic feels like, but with like… girls?

He clears his throat, and his brain is going 'fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck'.

She raises an eyebrow, and she looks concerned. 

"You okay?"

Oh my god, Jared, you dumbass, say something-

"Um, yeah. Just tired."

"Huh. Do you want me to start?"

Jared notes that she has elf eyes. Their spaced out and tilted up. Yeah, definitely a fairy. 

"Oh, yeah, that would be…" 

His eyes flick between her nose, and her eyes, and her lips. Her nose has tan freckles that crowd around that one spot. Her lips are a darkish pink color, and her hair is a strawberry blonde-ish color- he can't exactly tell since it's in a pixie cut. She's very pale.

"Rad." He ends with, a little playful smile on her face.

She like.. Does this half laugh, it's high and strong and breathy all at the same time. She snorts a little bit at the end. 

"Yeah, rad. Anyway, I have no idea what we're doing, like, at all. I hate science. It's the class I have the worst grade in. So tell me about yourself, yeah? I mean, most of the time I make friends on projects like these. I really just like them cause I meet new people. "

He huffs a little and re-adjusts in his seat. 

"Well, I like video games and computers. And making them? Like, I like seeing how it turns out and stuff. It's kind of interesting, actually." Jared says, nodding a little as he talks. Then he remembers he supposed to be acting… Jared-Kleinman-ish, but he really can't come up with anything. And that's weird. He's never really caught off guard. He tries to keep up a reputation- and this is ruining it.  
"You?" He says, shrugging while he crosses his arms.

"Well, I like flowers and stuff. There's this one flower called like.. The corpse flower or something and it's absolutely gorgeous, it's this really pretty red color and it's humongous like. Tuns of feet tall. But it smells like a rotting corpse, hence the name. So that's like… a weird fact I guess. Hey, you're friends are kind of asses, what's that about?"

Jared would choke if he was drinking water. Is it that obvious?

"They aren't that bad. I mean, sometimes they suck. But l like them."

"No you don't."

"Huh?"

" I said you don't. I'm sorry if I'm being mean, but you don't ever look happy when I see you with them. They all look mean, too. You look so uninterested it makes me bored-"

"You been spyin' on me?" He wiggles his eyebrows. Nice. Partly back to his old self.

"No, but I have eyes. And you look like a nice person."

Jared huffs a little bit in his mind. 'Oh boy, just wait until she actually gets to know you,' His brain says. He ignores it. 

"Oh yeah, I'm awesome." He says sarcastically, humor in his voice.

" Okay." She says, opening the science book, "Then you won't mind sitting with me and my friends for lunch tomorrow?"

And he almost says no, but he doesn't. 

"Kay then. We should get started."

\-----

"So, you wanna talk about it?"

Evan sits next to Connor on his bed. Lightly puts his hand on Connor's. His eyebrows furrowing in concern.

"I don't…" Connor starts, and Evan doesn't rush him, doesn't pat his back as a reminder to speak, doesn't pinch him. Just sits there and waits for him to finish.

'How can anyone with anxiety be so fucking patient with him?' Connor thinks, and he hopes Evan can't read his mind. Can Evan read minds?

That would make sense.

"I. My Dad. At the table last night. He told me how I was.. He asked what it would take to fix me. What it would take to.. Take to get his old Connor back. Told me I needed to be fixed. And nobody- My Mom, my sister, they didn't disagree. They think I'm… broken. I'm broken, Evan."

"No."

"What?"

"No you're not."

"What?" And Connor is actually confused, because was something wrong with Evan's eyesight? Hadn't he just seen him break down 30 minutes ago?

"Connor, have you ever seen a worn home? Like, of a family home?"

Connor looks at him, and he has no idea where the fuck this is going, but he nods.

"And the walls.. The walls are still structured, in a way. Really deep on the inside. But closer to the surface, like the wires, th-the wires that connect the electricity might be torn, just a bit. Or.. Or the walls have big patches of chipped paint. And the color doesn't look right, d-doesn't match the other parts of the structure that keep it together. Right? "

Connor nods.

"The home isn't beyond repair. It doesn't need to be torn down, doesn't need to be fixed. It needs new paint. Or maybe not even new paint, maybe the same. Needs the wires to be put back together. But that's all it needs. The home needs a little help, maybe even a little… a tiny bit of structure. Okay? But it's not broken. Got it?"

Connor brings his knees back to his chest and shoves it there. "But why so much work for home? Why not get a new one?"

Evan doesn't even miss a beat,

"Cause' it's in a family home. It's important. It's part of a structure, and it might take work, and the wires might tear again, but guess what?"

"What?"

"It'll all be worth it. Cause then it'll be better. N-not all the way, but better. Not as bad."

Connor nods, and then lightly lays back on Evan's bed.

"Can we watch a movie?"  
Connor asks, and he lightly looks and Evan for permission to get under his sheets. Evan nods. 

"Yeah."

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."


	4. Everybody's Got to Go On, Don't They?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi is confused about the boy in Evan's bed.
> 
> Zoe is sick of acting.
> 
> OR:Long legs, 'Tactile friends', and strange sibling dynamics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh so I'm so tired it ~hurts~ and I'm sorry but I physically could not bring myself to add Jared's POV. He'll come back next chapter.
> 
> But like??? I thrive to right fluff so.:) heheheehe

The tv was still silently buzzing with sound when Evan woke up- but that's not the first thing he noticed. The first thing he noticed was the weight on his chest- The light, just-starting-to-become-morning pinkish yellow that came from the window. The brown hair that rested on him. And Evan didn't really care at first- It felt warm and right and nice. Homely. And he didn't really wanna figure out what it was- the weight, but as his breathing calmed down and his eyes trained themselves downwards, he blinked a couple of times.

'Oh,' his brain went, 'It's just Connor.'

Like this was normal. Like this was an everyday thing.

And Evan knew he should freak out about this. It was what his brain did- make things out of nothing and make even bigger things out of something. But his brain, currently, was quite enjoying the pair of long legs that were right on top of him. His breathing felt strange- he was still getting used to the feel of breathing at the moment. His eyes shut, but then the weight is moving, Connor is moving, and Evan Does Not Like It.

"Ev.. Evan?"

"Hm?"

"Home?"

Evan doesn't really know what that even means, and he's just mumbling under his breath going 'Shh.. Back to- back to sleep.." And then Connor readjusts himself so his head is shoved into Evan's neck, and they both just don't move. Evan notes to himself that they are both wearing new clothes. Pajamas. 

"You smell nice."

"Showered." He states, wrapping his arms tighter around Connor.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Like you. Wanna.. Yeah. You're nice. Real nice."

And Evan nods, even though he can't really hear him, and goes. "You are."

And he can't really remember when exactly he fell asleep, but right now, he doesn't really mind when.

\---------

Evan is shook lightly by the arm, and he whines, his grip on Connor growing tighter. A light, confused sigh comes from on top of him. Evan moves away from the very mean hand that's shaking him. "Evan." He then realizes that oh, that's him Mom, "Evan, I need to talk to you. Now. Leave your.. Leave your friend here for a while, okay?" And Evan already panicking, shimmying his way out from under Connor and standing up. He's still half asleep, but that doesn't matter. Heidi lightly brings him out and towards the hallway.

"Would you like to explain who that is in you're bed, Evan?" Heidi looked concerned, and she's whisper yelling, her arms crossed. He'd never seen this look in particular on her before. 

"I swear I planned to have him out before you came-"

"Not answering my question. Evan, you know that I won't judge you for something as small as who you like-"

"No. Mom it isn't like that. We're friends."

"Very tactile friends, it seems," She says sarcastically, and she raises her eyebrows at him. She wants an answer.

"I just- we're just friends. And his family- h-his family is horrible. He was crying into my shirt yesterday, M-Mom, and he h-had to go the rest of the day like that. If he couldn't make it through the school day, he won't be able to m-make it at the house that started all of this. Please. I care about him, a lot, and h-he was so scared. Mom, I'd never seen him like this before. He's not safe by himself over there, but he's.. At least I know he's safe with me. I w-was gonna walk him h-home, but he was still recovering." It's full of stutters and half-words, but Heidi's shoulders slowly relax, and her eyebrows lift up and make her frown. There was one thing Heidi and Evan had in common- their both empathetic people.Caring.

"...What's his name?"

"Connor."

"The Murphy boy?"

"Yeah. He's so honest and raw though, Mom. He's nothing like everyone says he is. Nothing like it."

"Okay,"Heidi takes a moment, and her lips press into a thin line, "He can stay for a week or so, But he needs to talk to his family sooner or later, okay? He can't just run away from things like this."

Evan nods.

When Connor comes out the room, he looks like he just woke up. He looks scared and sad, actually, genuinely sad."I'm sorry, Ms. Hansen, I'm so fucking sorry-"

Heidi is already making her way towards him, and her arms reach out. He flinches, but he doesn't move away, so she lightly paces her hands on his shoulders. "You don't have to be. When I was a kid I'd done it plenty of times. Evan told me about it, okay? I don't mind you sleeping over. You guys just gotta warn me first." She promptly looks at Evan. "Got it?" She says, and they both nod.

"Alright. I gotta get to work so… You boys get to school."

"Okay."

"Okay."

\---------

Her brother wasn't home again. Witch honestly wasn't a surprise. 

He was supposed to be grounded for the stunt he pulled last night- or was it really even a stunt?

Larry was screaming 2 nights ago exactly about how Connor needed to be fixed, and Zoe knew that it was wrong. She knew that her Dad was almost purposefully getting him to blow up. It was just another screaming match every other day, the same thing with the same ending and the same subject. And it worked every. Single. Time. But this time maybe Larry went too far, because Connor literally just got up, dropped his plate on the floor, food and all, and walked upstairs. Without saying anything. And when Larry called after him, told him  
'Connor, get back here this instant!' A barely audible, shaky, on the edge of tears 'Fuck you!' Was thrown right back. But it wasn't strong. It wasn't Connor at all- it sounded so torn.

But maybe Zoe was imagining things. Because who was to say he was entitled to her pity anyway? He had ruined her life, ruined the family, and if she makes one wrong move everyone will think she's just like him. 

She can't even cry, or yell, or let out her feelings without being associated with Connor.

And she's also scared of him. He hadn't hit her- he didn't ever hit her, not since they were in 5th grade and punched her straight in her nose after she called him a 'brainless freak.'  
But it's not like she's not scared of him.  
There were much worse things that she could have called him, really.

But back onto subject-

He was grounded. But she hadn't heard of him since then, witch led to the grand question,

Where did Connor spend the night if he's alive and fucking well at school. And the thing is, he doesn't even look high, or like he's on something, or like, anything like that. He looks healthy, and he's smiling next to Evan, the shy boy that complimented her wrist bands once in 8th grade. 

What is he doing with 'Evan Hansen the Shy Boy That Complimented Her Wrist Bands Once in 8th Grade'? And most importantly, how can 'Evan Hansen the Shy Boy That Complimented Her Wrist Bands Once in 8th Grade' seem to make such a difference?

Connor looks so young and bright and he brings his hand up to his rosy cheeks. Evan must have said something because Connor bursts out laughing, snorting and giggling and cackling and it's so achingly what Connor used to be that it makes her heart hurt. Or has Connor always been this way? Did she just not look close enough? Maybe she didn't.

But she refuses to let that get in the way. He ran away from home, and even though he looks so much happier without her and Larry and their Mom there, he needs to come back and make this right.

He seems quite fucking fine to her.

"Connor."

And his face melts, and Evan's eyes narrow like he already hates her just seeing the smile shy away from Connor's face.

"What do you want, Zoe?" Connor asks, but he's holding on tight with his hand to Evan's arm, and he looks scared. She tries not to flinch away from the bite in his voice.

"Where were you last night?"

"Promptly, I don't really think that's any of you're fucking business." Evan's eyes are flipping observantly between Connor and Zoe. He seems to be choosing when he wants to get involved.

"And why are you with Evan? Did you kidnap him or something-"

"A-Actually, I like being with Connor. A-And I'd like it if you'd stop talking like I'm not here." Evan snapped, and well, she wasn't expecting that.

Zoe rolls her eyes. "Okay. Okay fine, but please just… come home? I'll tell Mom you were at school today, she's worried sick about you."

Connor also rolls his eyes.

"Kay," He says as the bell rings, Evan following behind him as he walks away. "Whatever."

She's pretty sure that doesn't mean 'I will.' But she'll take it.


	5. So If You Need A Hero, Just Look in The Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor hang around some more.
> 
> Jared apologizes.
> 
> OR: Soft hands, flower crowns, and witch talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here. Take it. A chapter.
> 
> (I'm sorry it took me so long to update, I've been burnt out lately.:) )
> 
> Enjoy!

Jared has been sitting with this girl, Elaine, or 'Fae' for 3 days. And it's been nice, just listening to her talk. And her friends talk, but often she purposefully brings him into the conversation and.he finds himself the center of attention, and he talks about what he likes and what he's interested in and just gets lost with the feeling of being cared for just... Not having to worry about keeping up an appearance.

He stopped hanging out with the popular kids and stopped doing their homework. "Why would you let that do them to you?" Elaine said when he mentioned it a little in the lunchroom. "Don't let people use you. Okay? You don't deserve that." And she reached out and touched his hand, lightly squeezing it, and he noted she has her nails painted a light purple color. He nodded after she said that out of instinct, but then shook his head.

"No, I do... I do deserve that."

Her eyebrows stitch together in the mere suggestion he didn't deserve something good. It'd only been 3 days and she already cared so much about him, and he couldn't handle it. She didn't even know about what he did to Evan, and she needs to, she really does..  
But she'll leave him alone when he tells her. He's sure. She pinches him a little in order to get an answer to the question that's in her face.

"I had a friend. Evan. And he was... He was sweet and kind and he never complained and.. We were friends up until now. From babies all the way until now, And I fucked it up. I've told him since I got a car that I was doing it for car insurance, being his friend for 'car insurance', so my 'Mom will pay for it,' but I pay every time. I always have. I lied to him, Elaine, just so I could feel above him and like I wasn't easy to throw away, and now he found someone better and I still haven't apologized. I couldn't even keep a person that is literally on the bottom of the food chain friends with me. I'm a bad person. I'm a horrible, horrible person. Do you get it? I'm not what you think-"

"Jared."

"I've always been a bad person and you need to understand that-"

"Jared."

Elaine grabbed his face lightly and made him look at her. Her face softened when she saw he was on the edge of tears, and nonnonono, he doesn't want to be vulnerable to a person he's barely met. But he melts into her hands anyway. Everyone else has already left the lunchroom.

"You fucked up. You messed up, okay? Everybody does that. And you in particular messed up more than usual people do, but that does not mean you are a bad person. You aren't. You were doing what you were doing because you didn't want him to leave, but I'm positive that if you hadn't done that and Evan had met this new person, you two still would've been friends. So apologize. "

Jared sniffles. "He might not forgive me. What then?"

Elaine waits a moment and her lip presses into a thin line. Then she looks at him. "There's a chance he won't and a chance he will, but either way, we're here for you. We care about you. And I will especially be here if you need me. Got it? Also, give me your number so you can tell me how it goes. We're like, 5 minutes late. " She says, giggles in her throat, and holy shit he is so absolutely gone for her. She is so perfect it hurts, she's such a good person. He doesn't deserve it. She rubs his cheek a little with her hand. "See you later, Jare." She says as she gets up, and Jared has never had a nickname before that wasn't teasing.

He thinks he likes it.

\----

Evan and Connor stay home on wednesday.

And Evan doesn't know if that's normal, keeping his mentally ill friend in the house with him to hide from his horrible parents (More like Dad) but he's rolling with it. Evan suddenly remembers something he really wanted to talk about, and flips over on the bed to look at Connor, smiling.

"People are trying to hex the moon." He says, picking at his nails. He's not a dummy, and also not a baby witch, so of course he had nothing to do with it. The moon means a lot to the gods. He then realizes he hadn't told Connor about his religion yet, and takes a deep breath. Connor raises his eyebrows.

"Hex the what?"

"Oh I'm.. I'm sorry if you're christian or something like that but I'm a pagan witch it's kinda my religion and nobody else knows so that's why I'm kinda freaking out right now-"

Connor grabs his arm and smiles a little. "Chill, Evan. It's good. What type of witch are you? I think there's different types. I'm not that informed since I'm not a witch."

"Oh. Oh I'm a... Green witch. Yeah."

"Of course you are. Who's your alter for?" Connor asks, pointing to the light blue candle and a few random offerings surrounding it. He seems to know basic witch-talk, at least. Evan is.. Really happy about that. He can talk to someone about what he believes in without being judged.

"Oh. It's for Hades."

"Of course you work with Hades. What about Persephone?"  
Evan raises his eyebrows. "What?"

"Oh my god. You can't have one of the two, Evan. Persephone is gonna come knocking at your door any fuckin' second now. Get ready." And how the shit does Connor know more about this than Evan? Evan is the witch here, and Connor already said he isn't one, so how does he know more? He sighs. Seems about Connor.

His phone rings. It's Jared. Connor looks at him and raises an eyebrow. Evan slowly picks up the phone- it's been at least 2 weeks since they talked. "What, Jared?"

Jared's voice is nervous and full of worry. He's never heard him like this before.

"I'm.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you like I did and I'm sorry for using that dumb excuse, the car insurance and I'm just. So fucking sorry Evan. You deserve someone better. You do. And if you don't want to be like..actual friends, I get that." Evan pauses. Jared isn't on speaker, and Connor looks agitated. He puts him on speaker.

"Okay. I forgive you." Evan says, all simple, because if he had the voice to at least apologize, something obviously changed. Jared's voice hitched.

"Okay. I'll.. Text you? Later? Maybe?"

"Okay." There's a smile on Evan's voice that makes Jared relax a little, and a huff of laughter makes itself out. He hangs up. Connor looks at him.

"You're too good for us, Evan." He says, like it's obvious, and a bundle of smoke makes its way out of his mouth. Evan hopes the towel under the door will clear his room out. 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that we are horrible people and you still like us. It's wierd. You deserve better than us."

"No. Don't say that. Jared… he's a bad person, and he's working on it, but you have a whole mental illness. And even though that doesn't give you an excuse to be mean and terrible to people, it's partly why."

Connor rolls his eyes and motions for Evan to come over to him. They make eye contact, and Evan scoots over to him. Connor scoots closer, and their face to face. And suddenly, it is Very Fucking Tense, and he's looking basically right at Connor's lips and…

"You think that, huh?"

He nods a few times. Connor holds his chin and wipes Evan's bottom lip with his thumb and ohmygodohmygodohmygod, this is so weirdly intimate. He's never had to deal with something like this before. Connor pulls back and smiles a little. "Something was on your lip. Wanna watch a movie?"

And okay.

Fuck. Evan needs to get his shit together.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay."

\------

On thursday, Connor is walking through the halls when he sees it- a very, very glossy-eyed Jared nodding and grinning along to some small girl (very small, mind you. Like. Jesus christ.) And their pinkies are touching, just a little bit, and he lightly bumps into Evan to get his attention. 

"Hey. What the fuck is that?" He points at the sickeningly cute scene, and maybe Evan didn't notice the pair, but when he sees them his eyes narrow expectantly. And then his face lights up. 

"He's smitten. Totally. Oh my god, he's crushing on that girl so hard. " Evan looks happy for him, and he's smiling a little. "He's deep in. Like. Basically half-way out. Oh my god, this is so sweet. I haven't seen him like this since like 6th grade."

And. Okay. Evan can tell just by one look that Jared is, apparently, `smitten`. Connor finds that incredibly adorable, and it makes him smile a little, too. Jared turns around and he sees him and Evan, and pauses for a moment. The girl, she pauses as quickly as he does, and then turns around. She smiles a little and grips Jared's pinkie with hers a little tighter, a whisper of something in his ear. Jared waves, and keeps on walking. It looks like she's reaching out to touch his cheek, and she's got a flower crown (he can't tell if it's fake or not) plopped right on her head.

Jared doesn't deserve Evan, not really.

But neither does he.


	6. No One's Gonna Save Us Now, So We Better Save Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elaine talks to Jared about some things.
> 
> Or: Tears, mountains, and the feeling of being alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of past rape/non-con. It was underage.

Elaine didn't trust people easily.

Especially guys- being around men just seemed to remind her why she avoids them in the first place, why she can barely ever trust herself enough to be in a relationship, why sometimes it's hard for her to breath and to speak and to feel protected, to feel safe.

She wasn't used to safety. She thinks safety is overrated, because living on the edge of your seat is better than company, than being sure, because being sure meant getting used to something and Elaine couldn't afford that. 

The risk that everything would come to an end is too big.

The risk that she might like it safe in someone elses arms is also far, far too big, too wide.

It scares her, safety.

She hadn't felt it in a while. Witch is why she didn't understand why this, this guy in particular, Jared Kleinman seemed to break down her walls of laughter and charisma and un-sure-ness down within 2 weeks or so. Why he, of all people, made her want to be what she really is.

Elaine has spent so many hours, days, years building up a persona that isn't really, and never will be her. She'd forgotten what and who she really is.

She has an idea.

A small idea, but an idea, nonetheless.

When she lets down her walls, and laughs and giggles and lets out all that childish energy she has pint up inside her, she's marked as annoying. 

Immature.

But Jared doesn't get sick of her. He lets her blabber on about flowers and how pretty they are and her favourite movies and what she likes and doesn't like and the foods she finds absolutely disgusting and the people she hates being around and he might tell her to slow down, to take a breath, but then he's telling her to go on while he plays his video games and just.

It feels free, being around him. 

It feels nice.

And that's why she's bringing him here, to her safe spot.

Not really safe spot. More like to-feel-not-in-danger spot.

Jared is poking little jokes at her, going 

"Holy shit, you takin' me to a cave?" 

"Shut up, Jare." She'll say back, even though she doesn't really want him to shut up. Even if hearing his voice is the highlight of her day.

It's almost night. The sky is turning a dark blue color, and when their at the top of the mountain they can see the streets filled with cars that race up and down the lines.

Everything looks so small from here.

She feels so big.

She likes it: feeling bigger than she is.

It feels good.

\------------

Jared is sitting on the top of this random mountain next to her, Fae, or Elaine, or whatever people call her. Light is deflecting off her face, and she has a humongous smile on her face.

She points her fingers out like she's squishing the cars.

He's so gone for her. Not like, love gone, because it's too quick to say he loves her.

But he's super fucking gone. Super-duper.

He sees the smile drop from her face, and immediately his eyebrows furrow, because he doesn't like seeing her with anything else but a smile on her face. She's too pretty and amazing and worth it to feel anything else but happiness.

"Jare? I gotta talk to you."

Jared was confused, and slightly concerned, because. They were at the edge of a cliff and like..

'What if she's about to jump?'

Wow okay, intrusive thoughts. He nods a little and moves closer.

"I.. I like you. I like you a lot. Like. Like like you."

This was the shyest he'd ever heard her before, and a smile lifted onto his face, though confused, and he waited for the punchline because there was no way someone so utterly worth it liked someone like him.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Are.. Are you fucking with me?"

He said, and twisted his head to the side, and then the the other, because she had to be joking. 

She had to be.

"I'm.. I'm not. I just. We don't have to be together, we're good friends, and I'll like you either way-"

Holy shit. She's serious.

"No! No it's okay, it's okay. I like like you too. A fucking lot, actually I'm just..." He laughs a little, and blinks a few times.

"Just like. Why?"

"Why not?"

Jared gulped and they stared at each other in silence for a moment.

"But. I'm asexual. I just.. I can't really. That's why I'm not sure if we'll work out-"

" Same."

"What?"

"Same."

She nods. Gulps a little. Jared thinks he's about to hyperventilate, and needs to talk about something, so he mentions the first thing that comes to mind.

"I. Uh. How did you figure it out? Like. That you were asexual. Did you just? Know? knew since I was really small, kinda. "  
He says, rocking back and forth a little.

He hears her breath hitch.  
"Well.. I-"  
She looks uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable, and she's shaking, kind of. He scoots away from her and lightly reaches out for her cheek. "You don't have to-"

"No. It's fine. I never really thought about it until freshman year. Uh. I had my first boyfriend in freshman year? He was a junior, and I really liked him, but when 'stuff' came into the picture he kind of forced me? And I told him that it just. Didn't feel right, That it made me feel really uncomfortable and everything other than kissing and cuddling was just super weird to me but he didn't listen. Said I was going through a phase."

'Stuff came into the picture.'

'He kind of forced me.'

Oh. 

Oh shit.

Jared looked at her and tapped her shoulder a few times. "I'm so.. I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through that, Elaine. That must have been horrible. "

Elaine nods, and tears are falling down, and she wipes them away. "Don't be sorry. I haven't told anyone yet, so you're the first. Woo-hoo." She says lamely, doing little jazz hands, and Jared lets out a breathy sigh.

"Can I hug you?"  
She pauses and smiles a little. "Sure. Whatever."

And they hug, and it feels nice, actually, warm. 

He'd never met someone who went through something like that before, but he wanted to help in any way she would let him.

"Can we scream?"

He raises and eyebrow and laughs, just a bit, because she was just crying into his shoulder like, 5 seconds ago. It's a very Elaine thing to do, actually. Change the subject from something so serious to something dumb.

"At the sky, I mean. It's really therapeutic, actually."

He nods and gets up, taking a deep breath. "Okay. Ready?"

She gets up as well, and takes a deep breath. Nods.

And they just. Scream. And it starts developing into different phrases and sometimes it's just more screaming, and they hold their middle finger up at the sky and scream and scream and scream until their throats are dry and croaky. 

Tears are falling down their faces the whole time, 

But that's okay.

Jared doesn't know anything about love, but he feels alive, next to her.

He feels alive in the cafeteria while she holds onto his hand, he feels alive when she's at his house and they talk about stupid things. He feels alive on this dirt bare-foot right now.

He thinks feeling alive is all he needs, really.

All he'll ever need.


	7. Everbody's Hurtin', Everybody's Goin Through It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elaine and Jared find home in each other.
> 
> Zoe talks to Connor about Very Gay Things.
> 
> Connor and Evan stay up until 3am talking about things that probably aren't important, but does Connor really care? Absolutely not.
> 
> Or: Dark skin and even darker freckles, home, and Shitty Parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Girl in Red for the wiiinnnnnnn!

Elaine never really had a home.

Not where she felt like she didn't constantly have to brace for impact.

So, when Jared asked about home when she was downstairs in the basement next to him, surrounded by things that _smell_ like Jared and _feel_ like Jared and just _look_ like a thing Jared would have, she surprisingly felt at peace enough to try and talk about it. 

Mostly because Jared, in her brain, meant 'calm.'

"My Mom is weird, I guess. She just.. She pressured me at a really young age to be something I didn't want to be? Like a pageant queen or something, even a model. I think I'm too short to be one, but she thinks since my facial features 'stand out', that it'll make up for it but. I don't want to be that? I want to be like. A teacher, maybe. Just anything but a model." Elaine pauses, and then shrugs a little, a sad smile spreading across her face. "She wants me to be what she couldn't be, I guess."

Jared opens his mouth, and then closes it. "I get that. My Dad wants me to be something that he wanted to be, too. My Mom and Dad divorced before I was born, but I still see him every month. I don't really get why, though. I mean. I guess I should have 'Daddy Issues' but. I still got to see him, so it didn't affect me."

Elaine nods. This was nice, talking to Jared- Jared, her boyfriend _(boyfriend!)_ About stuff like this. 

She wanted to get to know everything about him.

"Parents suck." She says, resting her head on his shoulder. He snorts.

"Parents suck."

"Jared?"

He twists his head to her and smiles, His eyes sleepy. They both lay down on the bed face up.

"I think I'm at home. Next to you, I mean." She says, lightly kicking off her shoes. He nods and yawns.

"Yeah. Me too."

And she wants to believe him.

She really, really wants to. He feels okay, but not completely safe, not yet.

She wants to believe him as he wraps his arms around her, and brings her closer.

Elaine wants to believe him as he notes that they really should stop staying up so late if they wanna keep good grades.

She wants to believe him as she falls asleep under the brownish-red covers.

\-----------

"My dad called." Evan says as they watch the TV, and Connor pauses the show because wow, that was very, very random.

And then he remembers. Oh.

Evan's Dad left him.

Connor looks over to him and his eyebrows furrow as he sits up straight. Evan picks at his hoodie and it falls over his knees as he stands up and sits on his bed. He already didn't like Evan's Dad, obviously. From the first time he slept next to Evan and heard him cry in his sleep, little whispers of 'Dad, Dad,' in the middle of the night he decided that he was _not_ a fan of Evan's Dad.

Ever since he found out that Evan's Dad actually had a lot to do with his issues, really.

"Okay? What'd he say?"

Connor braces for tears and shouting and a long, long night but.

Evan doesn't _look_ sad.

He looks pissed, actually.

"He called me and told me he was sick. That I should come visit him and that he doesn't have much time left." Evan says through his teeth, and he looks so agitated.

Connor's never seen him angry before.

It's actually kind of scary. Because Evan has wrinkles between his eyebrows, and his cheeks are all red, and his hands are rolled up into tight balls.

"H-He..." Evan starts, and then he scoffs, laughs a little and it's hateful and sounds like he can't even believe what he's saying.

"....expects _me to come_ and fucking _see_ him, Connor. He expects me to lie to everyone at his funeral and talk to them about how much of a good dad he was after he left me and Mom to fend for ourselves. He expects me to feel sorry for him. But I _don't_. I don't. I don't want to do any of those things. I don't even miss him anymore, because of what he did to me and my Mom. I _want_ him gone. I could care less. Is that bad? Please tell me if that makes me a bad person, Connor, _please-_ "

Oh.

Evan doesn't stutter once the entire time.

"No Evan, that doesn't make you a bad person. That just makes you human. You don't owe him anything." 

Evan starts to tear up, and Connor gets up to sit on the bed next to him.

"I _hate_ him. I want him _dead, I want him fucking gone, Connor. I **hate** him, I hate him so much-"_

Connor never thought he'd see the day where Evan hates someone.

Jesus, this guy did not leave on Evan's good side.

"Evan."

"Is that normal? Am I a bad-"

" _Evan_! Not missing someone who treated you like shit is completely normal, okay? It makes you human. You don't owe him anything. You don't owe him anything just because he helped make you. You're not a bad person." 

Evan pauses and nods, rolling up into a ball.

"I wish I missed him." Evan says, but Connor can tell he's lying. 

"No, you don't."

Evan laughs a little.

"I don't."

"I'm glad I have you around, Connor." Evan says, and it's so filled to the brim with warmth and affection that Connor actually blushes.

"Yeah. I'm glad to have you around to, tree boy."

\-----------

Connor was annoyed.

It was 12 in the morning, and apparently, Zoe didn't know how to control her radio. Their parents were on another trip, so this much was expected, but.

_'I've been hiding for so long, but these feeling their not gone, can I tell anyone?'_

_Is that girl in red?_

Well. That's one way to come out.

He got up and walked out his room, knocking on her door a few times.

He was trying to learn how to not be a dick to her, and not being loud and constantly agitated was a start.

She opened the door.

"Can you turn the music d-"

"Connor, get in here."

He was dragged by his arm and thrown onto the bed.

_'Afraid of what they'll say, so I push them away! I'm acting so strange...'_

"Nice music taste." He remarks, and she rolls her eyes. 

"Shut up, Connor. By the way, I just wanted to say that this is not me forgiving you but. You're bisexual, right? And Evan's pansexual?"

"Yeah, I am. But how did you know that Evan was-"

"I looked at him."

Connor shrugs. "Fair enough."

"Okay, but anyway, um. Women are just. So pretty."

"Mood."

"Shut _up_ , Connor. But yeah. It's a curse, being attracted to men."

"Also mood."

" _Shut up_ , Connor. But like. Women are just. Gorgeous. Like. Wow? They have shiny hair and bouncy curls and like. Shiny perfect dark skin and dimples and pretty sparkly nails and pretty brown eyes and like. Pretty freckles and-"

_'Their so pretty it hurts, I'm not talkin' bout boys I'm talking bout girls! Their so pretty with their button up shirts!'_

Connor pauses. Alright, he can agree with all of that, obviously, but this is getting a little specific.

Then he gasps.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

"You like Alana Beck!"

She gasps and she's already moving to push him out the room, and he cackles.

"No I don't-"

She's blushing. Oh my god, his little sister is blushing-

"Yes you do! You like Alana. You like her you like her you-"

"Well you like like Evan!"

He rolls his eyes.

"Obviously I do-"

She gasps again, and giggles a little.

"Wow. Self awareness."

She looks to him and sighs a little, just a bit of a smile on her face.

" So.. You want to talk about him?"

And really, how can he ever turn down an opportunity like that?

_'It's not like I get to choose who I love.._

_Who I love.._

_Who I love.....'_


	8. But We Just Can't Give Up Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elaine, Connor, Evan, and Jared eat lunch together in the library.
> 
> Zoe and Lana study together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Suicidal thoughts, very very brief mentions of self harm (no blood, burning), and mentions of a past suicide attempt.
> 
> Tell me what you think!!:)

Zoe felt empty.

And she knows the meaning of empty is to not feel full, to feel like something is missing, but the thing is- she doesn't know what's missing.

She doesn't know if she wants to figure it out.

She had to force herself out of bed this morning, and try to eat two bites of food.

She used the excuse that she had a full dinner, when really, she doesn't even remember the last time she ate. Eating was a chore, now.

Nobody noticed. 

The world spins on.

Connor keeps getting better, and her parents keep fighting. 

Alana keeps being gorgeous and amazing and ever so out of Zoe's league.

She's still stuck in this never ending loop of what is and what could be and what she should be doing, what she has to do.

And now she's staring mindlessly at Alana's wall and she _is_ empty, dead. There is nothing left.

Only crumbs and pieces, reminders of what she used to be. 

What she needs to be.

But was that ever her? 

She doesn't know. She's never known. Truly, she knows nothing about herself.

It used to, but it doesn't bother her, not anymore.

"Zoe?"

She thinks about finding her brother in the bath tub. Thinks about what it would feel like to be gone.

"Zoe?"

She thinks about the burns she blames on cooking. 

"Zoe?"

Zoe thinks and thinks trying to find a reason to stay around. Really, what would happen if she jumped from a bridge? Maybe climbed the house and right at the peak, jumped off?

Nobody would expect she did it by herself.

" _Zoe!_ "

Her head snaps over to Alana. Gorgeous, amazing out of her league Alana.

She wonders how Alana would react to her death. Maybe finding her. 

Probably not that well. But she'd get over it, surely.

Zoe smiles, and she feels her cheeks physically sore at how much work she's putting into just. Lifting up her mouth.

"Sorry, Lana. I'm just really tired, haven't gotten full sleep in like, forever." She also feels her throat sore at how forced her voice is. "Uh. Where were we?" Zoe scoots closer, looking to the study book on the coffee table.

Alana starts to ramble on again, and.

Just like Zoe suspected, she doesn't notice.

' _Everybody is so gullible and trusting_ ,' her brain thinks. _'So, so gullible_.'

And her brain is right, technically.

\--------------

Connor really, truly enjoyed being around Evan, and breathing in Evan, and feeling Evan. It was nice, really.

He's always enjoyed being around Evan.

He'd do anything for him. _Anything_.

So, when Evan asked if it was okay if Jared and Elaine(His girlfriend, apparently) started to sit with them in the library- (Something about drama at the other table.)

Connor agreed. Obviously.

Elaine and Jared were a very interesting couple to see. Because Elaine was a very sweet girl, and she was actually kind of nice, and not so forceful.

And then Jared was just.. Jared.

She was also very, very hyper, it seems.

She was currently explaining to everyone that death was a social construct and totally, totally talking way too clearly and way too fast to actually pay attention, but.

It was okay.

Jared was contently nodding along, and Evan looked like he was having a literal stroke trying to keep up. It was _hilarious_.

Not Evan's face, of course, because Evan's face was gorgeous and pretty and amazing.

Wait.

What?

Evan's face=Gorgeous, Pretty, and Amazing?

Well.

That's new.

It's not like Connor didn't kind of like Evan- like, he was his best friend. Obviously he liked Evan. He joked about like liking Evan with Zoe last night.

Did he mean that?

Connor goes through his head trying to remember what he really thinks Evan is.

Well.

Evan is pretty, and cute, and caring. Evan has freckles and a cute, goofy smile that never wavers and pretty eyes. He's caring and loving and he's never given up on Connor, not ever. He has good taste in music and gives good hugs and Evan's basically just....

_Oh._

_Oh, fuck._

_**He' s in love with Evan Hansen**._

Connor looks at Evan and his slight but confused and partly interested smile, looking to Jared and Elaine.

Well.

What a fucking time to be alive.


	9. Cause We've Gotta Save Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is falling. For once, somebody picks him up.
> 
> Elaine and Jared are okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: BPD episode, talk about pat sexual assault, incels
> 
> (Hope you enjoy!)

Evan hadn't heard from Connor in 3 days.

And he doesn't mean Connor's been avoiding him- Connor's just been straight up not at school. That.. That was worrying. Zoe wasn't at school on the third day- and for the second time since he' d meant Connor, he skipped class.

That as why he was currently at the Murphy's house. He rocked back and forth as he gathered the courage to just knock on the door. To just...

Just knock.

So he did.

A worn, but pretty face greeted him. Zoe. She looked tired and so, so sad.

He had never seen her like this.

In a way, her face resembled Connor when he sometimes came to school with nothing in his eyes- empty. Never ending.

She looks him up and down and she attempts to smile, but he just feels it, he knows that it's fake.

He knows.

"I'm here to talk to Connor."

He says, and he's honestly surprised by how sure his voice sounds. 

She laughs like it's _funny_. Like it's hilarious.

"He's...." She shakes her head and laughs again like it's so unbelievable that Evan actually cares about Connor, "batshit, Evan. Everytime I think he's doing okay, he fucking.. Just. I'm warning you, Evan, ok? He's going to hurt-"

"Hurt me?" Evan cuts her off, and he's actually never felt so annoyed with someone before. Never.

He's sick of people telling him what he can handle.

"He's hurt me, before, when I didn't know he needs help. But it doesn't hurt. Not anymore, because I _know_ he's sick. He's _sick_. Now I need to talk . to. Connor. May I come in?" He says, and he knows that sounds so, so rude. 

Normally he would apologize.

But this is Connor. He has the right to protect Connor.

He loves Connor. He doesn't love much people.

She looks shocked, and he notices she looks like she's been crying.

Zoe backs up, and moves to go upstairs.

He knows there's only 1 car in the driveway- Connor's. It must mean their the only one's there.

He walks up the stairs, and sees the big 'STAY OUT' sign outside a room door, and immediately he knows that's Connor's.

It's a very Connor thing to have on a door, to be honest.

He opens the door, but knocks as he comes in.

"Connor?"

Connor looks at him, and the sight is heartbreaking. He looks sickly, almost, and thin. His cheeks look swollen, and his eyes have big bags under them.

Evan tries to search for anything else in his eyes other than anger, emptiness, but he cant find anything.

Connor is yelling. "Why are you here, Evan?! What do you want from me? You're a fucking.. You're so fucking annoying, inviting yourself into my room, get out." Connor screams, and he pushes Evan as hard as he can. 

That's not much. Obviously, Connor hasn't eaten. 

Evan doesn't falter.

"No." 

That makes Connor growl, almost, and he throws a random pillow at him.

"Get. Out."

" _No_." Evan says again, because he's not leaving until Connor gives him a reason to.

He hasn't given him a reason, yet. 

"Why are you-"

"Because you're not safe by yourself, right now, are you?" Evan says, and he takes a step closer. Connor wraps his arms around himself protectively.

Bracing.

Evan takes another step, and Connor looks like he's struggling to find words. 

"You're not safe." Evan states, and he sits on the bed. Connor looks at him and, sparingly, sits down.

He grabs a pillow and screams. 

Evan doesn't ask if it's okay to touch him, and he doesn't tell him to stop when he kicks at the wall and shakes with anger, throwing the blankets around and screaming about how he hates everyone in the house.

Not once does Connor throw anything that might hurt him, though.

There's about 20 minutes that are just that.

He can briefly hear Zoe yell to _shut the fuck up,_ somewhere in the middle.

Connor sits down, again, and he whispers."Hi." 

Evan looks at him."Hi."

"Do I have to talk about it?"

Connor asks, and he's picking at his sleeves.

"No. You don't."

"Okay,"

"Okay."

They stay there.

Somewhere between the lines, Evan reaches out and rubs Connor's wrist with his thumb.

Connor doesn't pull away.

\--------

Jared looks at Elaine, and sees her dried up eyes. She's zoned out.

Earlier, she had showed up to his doorstep. She was crying, and hard, talking about her Mom or something along those lines.

Now, she's rocking back and forth, and randomly twitching at some points.

"Hey. Hey, Elaine?"

Her head snaps up at him, and his eyebrows furrow.

"You're zoning out on me." He says, and there's a hint of humor in his voice.

She nods, and sighs.

Well. Making-Elaine-Laugh-Mission failed.

"... Do you wanna talk about it?"

She actually sobs, but chokes it off into her sleeve.

"I.. Can I hug you?" She asks, and he nods. As if he would _ever_ say no to that.

She climbs into his lap and hooks her head over his shoulder.

"....My Mom, uhm. She. She has a new guy in the house? And he has the same name as my last boyfriend..."

He holds her tighter.

Okay...

He knows there's a right and wrong question.

"You told her?" He says, and it's a whisper.

"I did and she didn't... She said that I was- That I was overreacting. I don't know what to do, and he's so weird too. He like. Had a whole conversation about how some girl on the news that was sexually assaulted should of like.. Covered up? And my Mom didn't say anything."

Wow.

What a fucking dick.

Jared knows he makes offensive jokes, but he has never ever made a racist or rape joke, and he's _proud_ of that.

" You can spend most nights here, if you want? Like. My Mom knows I'm asexual and you don't exactly have to live here, just stay nights here. When it gets too much?"

He can feel her sniffle and relax a little bit. Jared knows she's about to object, though, because it's Elaine.

She doesn't like admitting she needs help.

"You don't have to-"

" _Elaine_. I like you. And I care about you. And I know you. You're.. You're amazing. You deserve literally everything, and I'm so fucking sorry nobody's ever told you that before."

Maturely, she goes "No, _you_."

He laughs, just a little.

"You good, now?" He asks, moving his head to look at her.

"I' m okay." 

That's okay, not to be good.

It's okay to be okay.

\----


	10. The Sun Will Come Out, Nothing Good Ever Comes Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe couldn't hold on.
> 
> Evan and Connor are good until they aren't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!READ!!!THE!!!!TAGS!!!!

Zoe was going to die today.

And she thinks to herself that duh, obviously, but she hasn't let it sit in her head for a while. She guesses she doesn't really have to. Death was supposed to be the end of things.

She wonders if hell was really a place. 

Zoe used to be scared- of death. The thought of just disappearing and not feeling or thinking or _being_ was terrifying, back then. And especially what comes after.

But anywhere else but here would be good. She'd rather just... Not exist anymore, actually. It would be better. Not existing.

Silence.

The house was empty. Connor was with Evan and Larry and Cynthia were out on a date. They hadn't gone on one of those in a long time.

She guesses it's a sign. The universe saying this was meant to be.

Coaxing her, in a way. 

Zoe's not gonna do that thing where she gives just one note. No, she's going go give everyone she feels needs one a note. 

She'll start with her Dad and her Mom. Or, what used to be, maybe.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_First, I'd like to say that I'm not sorry about what I did or what I'm about to do. I want this. It's not like I'm doing this just off a whim. Really, it was always supposed to have been like this. You couldn't have done anything to save me. Nobody could, really. I love you, but please, please don't cry. If there is an afterlife, I'd hate to spend my time watching you cry to everyone about how much both of you miss me._

_Love,_

_Zoe.(Or what used to be her.)_

Connor.

_Dear Connor,_

_I'd like you to know that you've always been a dick. But you had a reason. I have no real reason to be doing this, but you had a reason to off yourself, you had a reason to cut and do all those stupid things that you did. I, on the other hand, have no hardships in life. You're getting better, though. You have Evan and even Mom and Jared Kleinman, you have people. It'll be alright. I'm proud of you, but I'm not sorry. I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Zoe_

And lastly, Alana.

_Dear Alana Beck,_

_I love you. Or I loved you, and I know you might have loved me back. You listened to me or listened to what I told you, and you helped me study and you were there. You were there more than anyone had ever been for me. You were right beside me, you did everything you could to help, there was nothing more you could do. Even though I didn't tell you about all this, do know that you were amazing to me while I was alive._

_Love,_

_Zoe_

That was it. She folds all three letters onto her bed, and grabs the pills from the bathroom, standing right in the middle of her bedroom.

And then there is no more.

She doesn't have to wait anymore.

She doesn't have to wait anymore.

She doesn't have to wait anymore.

She doesn't have to-

\-----

Connor likes it, at the Hansen House. 

It's quiet and bright and just. So home-ish. He likes it more than he likes his own house.

That's why he's spending the day with Evan, and why he's like.

Looking at Evan's face and Evan's features and Evan's everything because really, what is there not to like?

Their watching a movie. And Connor has no idea what's going on because he's paying attention to Evan.

And just.

He wishes he wasn't in love with Evan, because fuck, he wants to kiss him so, so so so bad.

And he doesn't even know what really clicked, but he just reaches out and just. 

And just.

Kisses Evan. Holy shit, he's kissing Evan, and this is going so fast and this is _so_ random but Evan is kissing back, so really, who cares what they are? Their something other than friends, because they are kissing.

Evan pulls back. Kind of giggles. 

"Uhm.. Okay? That was. That- That was good. Really good."

Connor smiles back. Giggles.

He agrees. It is good.

"Uh, yeah. That was. Really good."

And everything was good. Even as he was dropped off to his house.

Even as he twirled into his room and smiled and giggled because he was just so, so happy.

Even as he walked down the hall to tell Zoe.

Everything was good.

And then it wasn't.

\---

Everything was going too fast.

For the past few moths that Evan has known Connor, everything moved slow. It was calm, and soft, and nice. It was nice not having to deal with constant fear. Nice having someone around. Especially now having someone to kiss.

So Evan wasn't really used to the speed.

Nothing was sinking in, not yet.

Zoe is dying, and Connor is hysterical and screaming and crying and everything is too fast, too fast, too fast. 

He watches as they roll her into the E.R and how Larry has to hold Connor back from following.

Cynthia is holding Connor tight in her arms as they both scream.

Connor was the one to find her. When Evan dropped him off, Zoe was already over dosing. He was called to drive back literally 20 seconds later.

With his Mom's car.

They're shooed to the waiting room.

Connor looks dead.

Cynthia looks like she hasn't slept in days.

And Larry..

Larry looks confused.

Fucking confused.

"I just.. I don't understand. Why would she do this?" Larry comments out loud, and Evan doesn't even have time to grab onto Connor when he storms right into Mr. Murphy's chair, grabbing onto the collar of the man and shaking.

"Is that what you're worried about? Why she did it? Larry, my fucking sister is in a fucking _coma_ and hanging on for dear life, she's nearly dead, and that's all you have to say? _Why_?" 

Larry opens his mouth too respond, but he's quick to close it.

"What we should be worrying about instead of why if she even makes it out alive is how we can help! You're doing the same thing you did with me. You question and criticize instead of help. Look at your wife, and look at your children, look at me, Larry, and see what a fucking mess you've made of us! Not me. You. This is you're fault because you want to fix instead of help. "

Larry is speechless.

All he does is nods.

Connor lays his head back into Evan's shoulder and rests it there.

Evan can already tell it's going to be a very, very long night.

\-----


	11. Not No Time To Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets news.
> 
> Zoe's alive, but she doesn't think she really wants to be, not yet.

Zoe wants everyone the feeling of seeing white lights and assuming that your gone, that you succeeded, and then seeing your family's faces right there, staring back at you.

It's so painful, it hurts more than when she was dying.

She blinks a couple of times when she makes eye contact with her Dad. He looks disappointed . Her brother, on the other hand, when she looks at him, looks sad, actually. Understanding. 

And for just a moment, everything's silent. 

Peaceful, almost.

Cynthia doesn't say anything.

Larry breaks the silence.

"Do you know how much money this costed us, this stunt you're pulling, Zoe? I thought you were better than this."

She whimpers.

_Better than this._

_What exactly was she, when she was 'better than this'? Faking it?_

Connor comes to her defense, surprisingly. He turns to Larry and opens his mouth. 

"Listen, Connor-"

"No. No, _you_ listen. Just shut up and listen. " He grabs a pile of notes that's right next to him. Shoves them in Larry's face. "Did you read your note? Larry, she thinks, your daughter thinks that it is her fault that she is in this position. That _she_ failed _us_ , and she's in the hospital bed. _We_ failed _her_. Just like you failed this whole family, we failed her. So listen to me. You are going to get my sister to help, because she might be alive but she is dying right in front of us, Larry, she is dying and you are killing her. Get her help or she'll be dead again in the next week and who knows if someone will find her in time." Connor sits back down and shoves the notes right back next to him.

So much talking is tiring Zoe, really. She turns back around and waits for herself to slip back into sleep.

It's the closest she'll get to death for a while.

\-----

Evan was tired. All he wanted to do was get into a bed and sleep, and then worry about Connor(his boyfriend?) and Zoe.

He felt worn.

And confused.

Connor had kissed him.

But that conversation could wait for tommorow.

As he walks into the house, stumbles in, he's met with his Mom's face. She's crying, he realizes, and he shuffles over to her. 

"Mom? Mom? What happened?" He's searching for an answer in her eyes, and he reaches out and touches her cheek. He hadn't seen her cry since his Dad left.

"I..... Your Dad, hunny. He's dead."

 _Dead_?

Oh. 

Okay.

What is he... What is he supposed to feel? He guesses grief but. He doesn't feel anything, not at the moment. He feels empty.

"Oh..uh... Okay?" He responds, and he's genuinely confused on what he's supposed to say, because like. 

He.. Left them for dead? Is he supposed to feel something?

"Hunny, I just. I miss him. I wish he didn't leave."

He tries his best not to scoff. "Well, Mom, he's like. _Dead_." It slips out, and holy shit Evan is being so insensitive towards his Mother's feelings but he just doesn't understand. Why would anybody that was manipulated and used miss the manipulator and the user?

She sniffles an angry sniffle. "Jesus, Evan. Your Father is dead and that's all you have to say? He's dead? I know he hurt you, but-"

No. She can feel how she wants to feel, but she's not gonna force those feeling onto him. 

He doesn't miss him.

"Hurt us. He left us for dead. You've had to work several shifts sense he left. Both of us haven't been the same. And then he left for another family. I _don't_ owe him any sympathy!" He says, and he grabs his bag and stomps up stairs, and he slams his door as hard as he can.

He's always been bad at forgiving.

He turns to his phone and picks it up. It stars ringing and 'Connie:)' Is the number that stares back at him.

Normally he hates phone calls.

But it's Connor. Nothing's ever awkward with him.

He picks it up.

" _Hey_."

"Hi."

" _Uh, Zoe's alive, and I'm just really happy about that. Also I didn't want to just leave you on the edge of your seat or some shit."_

"No, it's okay. Uh, my Dad is dead, so. I don't know how to feel about that."

" _Do you miss him?_ "

Evan scoffs. "Not one bit. My Mom does, for some reason, though."

_"I'm not gonna tell my parents about us for awhile, if that's okay?"_

There's an 'us'?

Holy shit.

There's an 'us'.

"S' good. Don't mind. Goodnight? Love you?"

_"Love you more."_

The line goes dead.

Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit-

There's an 'us.'


	12. Well Winner's Don't Quit, So Don't You Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's sunken in, for Evan, now. And it hurts, but not as much as he thinks it should.
> 
> Elaine and Jared are doing much better than okay.
> 
> Zoe is doing less than okay, but not bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of very verryyyyy light dark humor as a warning!

It's been 2 weeks, since his Father's death. He decided not to go to the funeral.

He doesn't really wanna see his Dad in the first place. Summer is coming up, and quick.

It hit him, today. His Dad is gone, he's not breathing and he's just. Gone.

Death is such a complex thing. You know someone and they're right there and then they aren't.

Evan guesses that in his situation, he had a memory of his Father, really. Nothing real and present.

He doesn't miss him. He hadn't missed him since he was 7.

But it hurts. Evan could have reached out, but he's so torn and broken and _bitter_.

He doesn't have to feel anything.

Heidi keeps on checking on him, keeps on tempting him to go to the funeral. It's today.

She left by herself, in the end.

He doesn't feel bad about it.

More pitiful about it, than bad.

Evan doesn't want to see his dead 'Dad', or his biological Dad in a casket while his perfect little family cries about how they _lost such a big part of their lives, oh, oh, he was such a good man. Such a good husband._

Ridiculous. 

Evan is coming to the realization that he might say he forgives, but he doesn't. It doesn't come out true. He doesn't mean it, really- most of the time he just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

But fuck everyone elses feelings. Connor says he deserves to feel and not want to go to the funeral and Connor says that it's okay to hate his deceased Dad and Connor has _never_ lied to him- why would he now?

Evan doesn't like to be selfish.

But he can take this one thing. Just this one thing.

Evan didn't have a whole 3 meals for years. Evan had to get help from schools and barely even gets lunch, some days. Barely gets his medication. His Mother cried every single day for 4 weeks. 

Little 5 year old him was counting.

Respect for the dead?

_Respect for the dead his ass._

He totally, totally should of hexed his Dad when he had the chance.

\------

There were two sides, the their relationship.

One consumed most of it. That part was very soft, and warm- like baking and mornings and fluffy socks. Comforting.

And then there was this.

Elaine was currently trying to explain to him how existence was a social construct.

He's laughing, and quite hard, because _god_ she makes no sense.

"No, shut up, Jare. Listen to me. No- Listen! Okay so like, we're always taught that like life is good and death is bad, and I'm not saying death is good but like? Nothing is bad? Right and wrong and good or bad are literally built into our heads when really, there is no right or wrong. Literally everything. We could take over the world, and just burn it all down but we choose not to because like, we're taught not to? Such bullshit!" She angrily takes a fist full of the popcorn and shoves it in her mouth. Her eyes widen, and _oh no, he does not like that look._

" _Dude_ ," She starts, and he doesn't know when friendly vocabulary got into their very romantic relationship, but he doesn't mind it.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna like.. Dye our hair?" 

No. No, he does not want to ruin his roots, in fact, he would prefer if he didn't. 

But he's Chaotic Good, and he has a Chaotic Neutral girlfriend, so really, what was he expecting out of this relationship?

"Oh my god, dude, _totally_."

They stumble into the bathroom and she pulls out this hair dye that she found in his bathroom for some reason, and there's two cans. Bright blue and pink.

He snickers. "Now I can really become a blue haired liberal. Also, we skipped 2 days of school, so we have to go this monday. "

She frowns and groans dramatically. "But-"

"No butts. Our grades? Dropping. We need to go to school."

Elaine groans again, but that's okay, because she does this thing where she smiles a little.

She slaps a clump of blue hair dye on his head, and grabs a paper bag to put over it. He literally screams , and he's moving to grab some of the dye and then he realizes that they are _literally_ doing this with fucking paint brushes that he used in like. The 6th grade.

They're both laughing, now, and she just keeps on rubbing the dye into his head.

"God, I am so in _love_ with you, you dummy." She says playfully, and Jared knows this is supposed to be a big step- but it doesn't. He feels like he knows the phrase. Like he's familiar with it.

"Love you too. Now you can be the pink haired anarchist to my blue haired liberal."

And that might be the most romantic thing he's ever said.

\-----------

Connor is good.

And he hopes Zoe is, too, because she's allowed back home tommorow and Alana is coming to visit and the two weeks felt like forever. 

She isn't getting sent to a mental hospital.

Which was... Interesting, for the least.

He sits down, and Alana is waiting for her turn outside. 

"Hey." He mumbles, and he sets a donut in front of her. "Brought you your favourite?"

Zoe looks at him and her eyebrows narrow in confusion. "You.. You remembered my favourite donut?"

He nods. Of course he did. The amount of happy times the family had in that Dunkin Donut's drive through was immense.

He doesn't say that, though.

"Yeah." He shrugs. "You feeling better?"

Zoe shrugs. "Yeah. Kind of? I mean, I don't want to commit aliven't. So. That's good."

He snickers and buries his mouth into hands, and Zoe realizes what she just said, and bursts into laughter.

"Oh my- Oh my _god_ ," She says, and they go back and forth with different words for suicide.

"Commit not alive,"

"Go pew pew heart,"

"Sewer- Slide,"

And it goes on and on and on.

Well.

At least they can connect on this. 

The laughter ends, sooner or later. Connor smiles as he looks at her.

"I missed you."

She smiles a little, or at least attempts to.

"I missed you too."

And Connor promises to himself to never let her get this bad ever again.

He doesn't want a repeat of himself.

"Just... If you ever feel like giving up, just. Come to me, okay?" He says. She nods.

"Okay... Okay."

Okay.


	13. And After The Storm's When The Flower's Bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole crew eats lunch together.
> 
> Connor thinks he could do this, for forever.

_All we see is sky, for forever.._

Today looks brighter.

Connor's world has always been dark and plain and still, at the same time, so so sad. He thinks color just slowly drained from his world, leaving his life grey and dull and boring.

But today was so much prettier. Living was so much more fulfilling than he remembered.

The sky was this light blue, and the clouds were pure and extremely puffy. The grass was so much greener and Evan's freckles stood out more, and his teeth looked whiter.

Connor's starting to think that Evan's just _that_ good. That amazing, that he can light up the world with just his face.

Everyone is in Connor's car as they drive to the park for lunch. They all agreed to be back to school by the time lunch was over. Zoe didn't want to talk to her friends who she said _were bound to try to force her to talk about her suicide attempt._

So here they were.

The field was even prettier, and Evan full on jumps over him to jump head first into the long grass. He disappears under it.

_We let the world pass by, for forever..._

Elaine follows after him, shouting something like 'I brought the chips!' As she lays out this blanket, and Evan rolls onto it.

He looks _impossibly_ happy.

And Connor thinks he will always stay by Evan's side, just to see that smile. If he has to deal with the sweating and the stuttering and the clinginess just for that face, it's a small price to pay.

Not even a price at all, really. Connor doesn't mind any of those things.

Jared is explaining to Elaine that birch is the best wood in Minecraft, and she is solemnly disagreeing . Alana is tracing her fingers lightly around Zoe's hands, and Evan is picking up random flowers off the ground. He lightly taps Connor's shoulder.

"Yeah, Ev?"

"Uh. It's small, but.." He hands Connor a necklace. There's a tiny jar hanging from it. It has some sort of... Content in it, and it's sealed by candle wax.

Evan made him a jar? Of what?

"Um. It's a protection spell. It's a small protection spell, but I already hid my Mom one so I just thought-"

Evan made him a protection spell.

That's single handedly the most Evan thing that he's done so far.

"Ohmygod, Ev, I love it." Connor wraps the necklace around his neck. "I'll keep it, seriously. It's super fucking cute."

Evan nods, and kinds of laughs. "Okay."

This is perfect.

Is this the definition, of perfect? Connor had never had a truly perfect day before.

He wants it to last forever.

The clouds are moving above him. Zoe is getting better, day by day. Connor's bad days aren't around as much as they used to.

There's a fresh breeze, in the air.

_Seems like we could go on for forever, in this way.._

" Uh... You guys know that I'm. I'm okay, but I'm not always gonna be? Like. I don't think I'm..." Zoe starts. She looks a little uncomfortable. "I'm good now, but I don't think I always will be?"

Of course Connor knows that.

Life has a funny way of turning everything upside down for you. One moment your fine and your good and happy and the next you can barely get out of bed.

_All we see is light, and the sun burns bright.._

But now, he goes to Evan when he feels like there's no one there for him. Now, he looks at Evan's texts, the little reminders to take his meds and to _hold on for him._

He wants to be Zoe's support system.

He wants everyone to be everyone's support system.

Everyone nods in unison. "Of course!" Alana says, and Connor remembers the way she fell to the floor when she read Zoe's letter.

She loves her.

Connor is sure of it.

But he won't say anything. They have to figure that out for themselves.

Evan places a flower crown on Zoe's head, Elaine has fallen asleep, and the cloud's haven't stopped yet.

And he guesses that this- this is the calm after the storm.

_All we see is light, for forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So.
> 
> That's the end of the story! Tell me if yall want an epilouge!
> 
> Thankyou guys for being so?? Supportive of me??? The whole way??? I love that. Now I can work on my other stuff without worrying about this story lmao-
> 
> Bye bye, until next time!:)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first work, so I really hope you guys like it!  
> All song titles so far are from the song After The Storm by Kali Uchis.


End file.
